How Do You Trust Yourself…in China

 

Trust yourself. Throughout my life over and over again, people have told me to trust myself.

 

“What do I do about this math quiz tomorrow, Mom??? I’m going to fail! I’ve been studying and reading over and over, and I just….I just…I don’t get it!” She’d look at me, worried, and unsure of what to say, trying hard not to tip my iceberg.
“Just trust yourself, and go to bed,” She’d say with a reassuring smile to her melting 12 year old.

 

Just trust yourself.

 

“I’m fat. I am so ****ing fat. I can’t do this anymore,” I’d sob to my therapist back in Iowa City. “No matter what I try, I can’t lose weight, I can’t get a good job, I can’t stop BINGING over and over again. It doesn’t matter… I’m losing this battle and I want to give up.” She’d look at me, knod her head, and think about what to say. I was a test subject in her case study, but the attempt at a reassuring smile on her face made me feel bad for putting her through a Girl, Interrupted scene during her first year of grad school.
“Just… Trust yourself. It’s going to be okay. You know what to do, Chloe.” I’d sway back and forth in my chair, attempting to calm myself and agreeing at the same time. I’d nod my head. “Okay… Okay.”

 

Just trust yourself.

 

“I…sucked….so….bad…Dad.” I dry heaved in my girl-from-the-fifties-hoop-skirt that my grandma had made me for the seventh grade talent show. “Chloe,” he said, pausing to take a deep breath and calming the tears coming from his eyes. “You did great, sweetheart.”
“No…no….” I couldn’t finish my sentence, thinking about those long hours I had spent practicing Great Balls of Fire on the piano, and how everyone at school would think I was a big fat joke for even trying to sing at the same time. I’d die. I’d just die. “Just trust me, Chloe,” he said. “You’re wonderful.”

 

Just trust yourself.

 

China has given me a lot of free time. And with that free time, I find myself thinking…A lot. Today this phrase whispered through my mind, and I realized, no one had ever told me, verbatim, how to trust myself.

 

How do you trust yourself? Throughout the years, I never thought to ask. Isn’t it implied? Just trust yourself. You know what to do. Just trust yourself.

 

I never knew how to do that, until this summer, July 7th, 2013 to be exact. That day I started a program to lose weight that taught me how to take baby steps. Baby step, by baby step, I started to trust myself because each time I succeeded at one thing, I was given the strength to proceed to the next baby step. I set small goals, and I failed a lot. I failed over and over and over again, but I realized, that a part of growing, is failing. Knowing, that not only can I fail but I can also pick myself back up to continue on, is a powerful thing.

 

Hi. My name is Chloe. I am now 23, and I finally trust myself.

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7 thoughts on “How Do You Trust Yourself…in China”

  1. Hi nametwin, I love your positive thinking and I’m so happy to hear about your happiness across the world. Sending lots of love from Iowa City. xoxoxoxo

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  2. Well Miss. I was thinking about you the other day, and I meant to send you an email… ON FB! And then I remembered you no longer exist on there. I’m not sure I have your email anymore, but I’d love one of those novels we used to share when I was in Spain. Wanna hear about your life in IC. Miss you and love you.

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  3. My email is the same ol’ boring uiowa.edu email, so you should send something to me so we can write (when you have time, of course!). Maybe I’ll even break out the ol’ skype too! My FB might be making an appearance soon as well, when all the graduating seniors of this year go forth to every corner of the globe this fall. Find me!

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  4. Hi! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after browsing through many of the posts
    I realized it’s new to me. Anyways, I’m definitely delighted I found it and I’ll be book-marking it and
    checking back often!

    Like

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