A part of me almost died on Tuesday. Savan was sent to the hospital for a heart problem that was irritated by the heat of exhaustion and dehydration.
Almost losing a best friend drained me from emotions the last two days, but having the emotional life sucked out of me has spurred on many thoughts that I think are worth sharing.
Here’s the thoughts that have crossed my mind, thoughts that are desperate to get out of me.
How to Not Die in China
This is not living.
You can run until your heart forgets to beat.
You can dance until your legs give out beneath you.
You can cry until your tears dry up your insides.
And you can laugh until you throw up the only nourishment that was letting your body stay afloat.
But you will die.
Remember how you promised that you would never kill yourself?
Let me remind you, seeing as you have forgotten.
Because we all have those moments that make us question our sanity, but you promised yourself that you would never let it get that bad.
You do realize that you’re killing yourself, my love, don’t you?
The cigarettes that puff from your mouth like the dragon of prophecy that will bring you down after the smoke circles have long since engraved themselves underneath your tired eyes.
The powerful ecstasy of excitement that burns up the only organ that serves your body with the blood that is no longer nourished because you long ago forgot what it is to eat.
The obsession that haunts you, that brings you peace, that inhabits your mind, it will leave you breathless with an overwhelming feelings of appreciation and love, but the lack of oxygen will make you fall further than you ever meant to let yourself go.
My love, I know you know a lot, but do you know how to be selfish enough to take care of yourself? If you can not do that, how can you demonstrate the love that encourages you to be selfless?
You can try.
But darling, I think you might die if you don’t let the storm calm before you enter the next spinning disaster that needs your help to clear.
My nobody, you’re losing it and you can’t see past the hand that is in front of your eyelids. It’s dark, but listen to my voice and follow it to the one light that leads you back to Earth or get lost in this haze to only find yourself on the other side where the light comes from your biggest fear.
It is the unknown of what you think you already know.
What will you do if your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness, and the weakness is a strength that will save you if you learn how to turn that weakness into another strength?
Can you do it?
I believe you can but I can’t save you.
You have to save yourself before you can ever hope to save any one person.
Because everything is a repetition, and that scares you, but you can chose to leave the cycle. Fear will bring you hate and hate will make you angry and angry will make you fail because fear was never the answer.
You know I love you.
And I know you love me too. But that doesn’t mean I’m willing to go down with you.
I will love you if you choose a path that leads you away from the present.
I will love you if you choose a path that sends you back into a place that you never wanted to go.
I will love you if you stray for a bit, and then come back, and then stray again.
But I think eventual death by your hand would be disappointing to not only me, but to the rest of the world because that mind is something worth saving.
Eat. Drink. Sleep. Repeat.
For such a smart guy, you can be pretty damn stupid.